She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
