i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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