onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
