with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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