I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
