i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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