My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
