He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
My day in three words: secret purse cake
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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