I'm gonna have a badass scar
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
