I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
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