just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
