I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
