I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
