absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
