I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
