i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
