Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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