The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize