At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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