Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
