just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
