My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
