sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
