The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
