So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
