i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
