he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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