I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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