three words: i give head
three words: not that well
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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