I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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