You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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