i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
