I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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