can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
