Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
