I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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