The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
