i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
