Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
