I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I just had sex on a roof
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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