i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
