I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
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