Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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