Have you finally orgasmed yet?
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Sorry my hands just texted you
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I just had sex on a roof
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
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