Since when is my name a synonym for head?
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
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