Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
