marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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