Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
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