i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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