Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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