You smell like stripper and shame
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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