The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
