I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
