hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Randomize
