i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
