i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
