Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
