Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
