So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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