Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
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