another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
