I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
